he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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