wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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