he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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