I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
