I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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