I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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