i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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