I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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