I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
