Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
