my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My ass is underappreciated
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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