Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
