tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If I die, sorry about rent.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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