mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think my moral compass just broke
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
