So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
