we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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