Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
