It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
