Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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