He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
