Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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