Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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