Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
