The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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