i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
