...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
