Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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