State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
