That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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