Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Randomize
