Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
