did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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