this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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