Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
