Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Say something about gay babies.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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