i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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