How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Bring me that man meat
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
