I think scott just propositioned me for sex
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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