if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
