My friends, they love my intelligence
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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