We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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