Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
