It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
