Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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