the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
