We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
