dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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