Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
