he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
