my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
