I like my sex mixed with concussions.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
