There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
