census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize